I have a tendency to act like everything is fine and move ahead without addressing issues. I can’t recall the number of times I broke down crying that month, and in front of people, which isn’t like me. I bawled my eyes out sitting in the passenger seat of my best friend’s car. I felt bad because I knew she had no clue how to help or what to say. So few people know what to say or do for a woman losing her baby. I found what I needed most was just to be heard. I had anger and sadness and bitterness that needed let out. I was trying to grieve someone I hadn’t even gotten to meet, and the hormonal drop definitely did not help.
I became a contradiction. I was tearful and angry. I had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. My friends started to ask about the changes in my weight. I was sick more frequently. My trust in others fell flat. I became paranoid. I felt judged. I was on my own...my back was up against the wall in my small little apartment.
I seriously felt like Job in the Bible. I’ve learned though that God has been with me every step of the way. He has met all my needs and gives me comfort when I’m feeling at my lowest point.
The days after the fire occurred, I was pretty inconsolable and just felt like I was losing Keith all over again. I had never experienced anything like this in my life. Somehow I knew that God would get me through it I just wasn’t sure how.